


Dee's Having a Baby

by WeirdItalianPlumber



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Not Shippy, Other, Pregnancy Options, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28577970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdItalianPlumber/pseuds/WeirdItalianPlumber
Summary: An alternative take on Who Got Dee Pregnant? One of the gang really did get her pregnant at the Halloween party. What is she going to do?
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Dee Reynolds, Dee Reynolds & Dennis Reynolds, dee reynolds & carmen
Comments: 24
Kudos: 21





	1. First Trimester

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm writing a pregnancy fic. Especially for Sunny. But the idea came to me forever ago and stuck around so I finally wrote it. I hope this is a unique take. Technically starts with Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down.
> 
> Told in order, but not really a full story, more just important moments and snippets into her life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee discovers she's pregnant and starts deciding what to do.

Dee kneels in front of the toilet for the third morning in a row. _Goddammit._ She knew she was getting sick. What was just a bit of a scratchy throat has turned into the stupid flu. Her nerves have made gagging, and sometimes even vomiting, a familiar affair but she still hates it. She was fine on her own, mixing cough syrups and green juices. Then Frank and Dennis had to get involved, leaving her feeling worse than before. Whatever they gave her almost killed Poppins, maybe it’s just starting to affect her now; Her superior human body fighting it off longer than a stupid dog body. Dee considers it as she swishes some mouthwash and stares at her reflection. They did poison her a few months ago, too. That’s definitely got to be it. She’s going to go to the doctor and get proof, then she’s going to sue them. Oh, she’s going to sue them so hard. Dee grins at the idea of owning the bar and Frank’s fortune and lording over her asshole friends. She exits the bathroom to make the first appointment she can. 

*** 

Dee sits at the doctor’s office, while he scrolls through her file on a fancy tablet; No wonder this place is so expensive. But she knows something is wrong with her because of her asshole friends, and she has to find out what so she can make them pay. 

“Everything appears to be fine. The bedbug bites seem to have cleared up well, but I recommend a simple over the counter hydrocortisone cream to ease discomfort. However, we discovered the cause of your nausea. Congratulations, you’re pregnant.” 

Dee grips the edge of the table harder, feeling like she could throw up then pass out. She has before, from too much to drink, but never from anything like this. 

He taps on the tablet a few times, “Judging by your last menstrual cycle, I’d say you’re about five to six weeks. Which would explain the strong uptick in nausea.” Tap. Tap. Tap. “That puts conception around the last week of October…” 

Dee doesn’t hear the rest because she remembers exactly when it was. Halloween. Remembering _who_ it was makes that about to pass out feeling from before pale in comparison to this feeling. _Goddammit, Charlie._ In 20 years, they bang once and in that one time, he manages to accidentally get her pregnant. 

She comes mentally back when the doctor says her name. “Ms. Reynolds, are you okay?” He stares at her, carefully watching her expression. 

“Huh?” 

“Would you like to discuss your options?” he repeats at her less than joyed reaction. 

She feels almost normal again, snapping, “I know what they are: get rid of it, raise the thing, or give it away.” 

He chooses not to bite on her blunt phrasing. He taps on the tablet a few more times and the room's printer whirrs and starts spitting out paper. He collects, then staples them, handing the small stack to Dee, with the paper still warm. “This discusses the options in details and refers you to places that can help with whichever direction you decide.” He says goodbye and exits the room, leaving Dee sitting there in her ugly gown, holding her future in her hands. 

*** 

Dee sits nervously in the ob/gyn’s waiting room. There’s a variety of women there, and it’s a little comforting. She’s not even showing yet; Nobody probably even suspects she’s a single mom with no husband to support her. Would they even care? Maybe it’s just the gang that’d call her a whore and unwanted. For all these people know, she’s just here for a regular coochie check before going about her successful day. Dee relaxes a little as she flips through an old issue of _People_ and jumps when she hears her name. 

“Deandra?” A woman in scrubs calls, looking from her clipboard to scan the room. 

Dee jumps up, throwing the magazine onto the empty chair next to her. She grabs her purse and follows the woman down the hall of rooms. 

:: 

Before Dee can even see the doctor, who the nurse says will be Dr. Walker, Dee must go through tests. The appointment begins with Dee getting her blood drawn and pissing in a cup, followed by a small series of tests, including blood pressure, heart rate and oxygen levels; Being attached to so many wires makes Dee a little anxious. Dee fidgets as the nurse asks a series of questions. They start off basic, gradually growing harder and more personal; These include Dee’s heart attack, her brief stint in the institution, and her alcohol use. The nurse doesn’t show any judgement, she just nods and writes. 

Dr. Walker arrives about five minutes after the nurse leaves. She’s a middle-aged woman with shoulder length blonde hair and brown rimmed glasses. She shakes Dee’s hand and rehashes everything the nurse just asked. She looks from the chart to Dee, “It says you’re a daily drinker. About how much alcohol do you think you consume daily?” It’s not judgmental, but Dee still feels a little embarrassed. 

“Well, none now,” she attempts a joke. 

Dr. Walker smiles patiently, sensing Dee’s discomfort. “That’s good. Baby appreciates it. And before you discovered your pregnancy?” 

“I don’t know,” Dee says. “A lot.” Usually she’d be proud of her alcohol tolerance, but here she feels a little ashamed. 

“Okay,” the doctor nods, then writes something in her chart. Dee can’t see what it says, but it feels different than other stuff she’s recorded, “If you need help with withdrawal, please call us. Alright,” Dr. Walker says cheerfully, “Let’s see that baby.” 

Dee leans back as the doctor squirts some gel on her belly. It’s cold and she apologizes when Dee winces at the temperature. There’s a whooshing sound and a grainy black and white image appears on the screen. The doctor points out a small grey spot on the screen. 

“There’s your baby,” she says proudly, looking to Dee for her reaction. 

It mostly just looks like an oddly shaped blob, but definitely has the potential to turn into something. She looks down to where the machine is connected to her bare skin and back to the monitor, trying to connect the two in her head. 

“Baby’s only about half an inch right now; About the size of a blueberry. But he’s already got little fingers and toes.” She pauses, pointing to the air. “Hear that?” 

Dee listens carefully. Mixed with the rhythmic whooshing sound, there’s a repeating _thump_ , solid and fast. Dee nods. 

“That’s the heartbeat,” Dr. Walker tells her. 

_Holy Shit_. Dee gasps lightly, turning into a smile. It has a heartbeat already. This little thing in her is alive. 

Dee leaves the office with a little card for her next appointment reminder, her printed sonogram and her due date- July 24th. 

:: 

Dee sits in her car after the appointment. She unfolds the paper in her hand, flattening it against the steering wheel. It’s the same thing she saw on the monitor but with no sound. She stares at it, alone and without anyone’s prying eyes, just her and her baby. This little thing is living off her, tucked away in her gut, happily stealing her food, and making her feel sick, completely dependent on her; She can’t help but think of the time she and Charlie had tapeworm. 

There’s this feeling of protectiveness that Dee couldn’t explain if she had to. As much as she wishes she hadn’t gotten pregnant and how this little thing is still a stranger, there’s a surge of affection deep in her chest. 

*** 

Dee doesn’t sleep well that night. No matter how she lays, it’s as if she can feel the baby inside her. It’s ridiculous, she knows, but ever since the appointment, it’s as if she’s constantly aware of the thing chilling in her uterus. 

She gets out of bed, giving up on hope of sleeping anytime soon. Dee steps in some slippers and walks out to the kitchen to brew some tea. While the water boils, her eyes drift to her purse, where the sonogram is tucked away. 

When her tea is ready, she sips it sitting on her small couch, blanket across her lap, as she studies the picture in her hand and deciding what to do. Maybe she actually wants this thing? 

*** 

She’s up late again, a few nights later. This time instead of staring at the sonogram, the paper in her hands is for the opposite direction. This one is essentially just a FAQ section, explaining a quick overview of abortion laws, the different procedures and where she can get it done in South Philly, along with counseling services. _It's okay to be sad. You're making the right decision for you._

*** 

It’s some sort of irony, Dee thinks. The father of her baby doesn’t even know about it, while she’s going to his mother for advice. It’s not her first choice, not even close, but this is her only choice. Her own mother is dead and was a bitch when she was alive, the waitress is the worst and probably wants to avoid her, and Artemis is, well, Artemis. Sadly, this is kind of the only woman in her life. 

Dee stands on the stoop of Bonnie Kelly’s home. She stares at the door, taking a few deep breaths to calm her nerves, then regrets it when the city smells make her gag. She rings the doorbell and pulls her jacket tighter around her. It’s mostly out of nerves. The early winter air is cool, but the baby is like a little furnace in her belly, causing waves of heat through her whole body. 

A few seconds later, the door opens to Bonnie’s smiling face. “Dee,” she greets, happily, “What are you doing here, Sweetie?” The mothering nickname comforts Dee some. Bonnie stands on her tiptoes, peering around Dee’s shoulder, “Is Charlie with you?” 

Dee shakes her head, “No. It’s just me.” _Not really_ ,she thinks, _With this thing, I_ _’m not going to be alone for the next nine months_. “Can I come in?” 

Bonnie nods, and steps aside and Dee follows. She leads Dee into the kitchen, bustling about and excited to have a visitor. “Can I get you anything to drink?” Bonnie asks, as Dee sits. 

“Uh, water, please,” Dee says, nerves picking up. She’s really going to have to acknowledge this… thing. 

Bonnie pours a glass and returns with a plate of cookies, too. “What’s going on?” She asks, genuinely concerned. 

Dee takes a small sip of water, her mouth suddenly feeling very dry. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” Bonnie watches her, a look of worry growing on her features. “I’m pregnant,” Dee says. It’s the first time she’s said it out loud, and it feels weird, almost like she’s on the outside watching someone else saying it. 

“Big mistake,” she hears a gruff voice from the living room, and can hear Mrs. Mac take a drag of her cigarette. 

“Oh, don’t listen to her. She’s an old grump,” Bonnie brushes it off. “A baby,” she clasps her hands, “How wonderful.” 

_Eh, is it?_ “That’s what I’m here for. I’m not sure what I want to do-,” Dee starts. 

“Flush it out,” Mrs. Mac coughs from the living room. 

Dee presses on. “I thought about an abortion, but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. But I don’t think I can raise a baby. I mean, you had one. Do you ever wish it took?” 

“I’d have a hundred of my Charlies if I could.” That’s just about the most ridiculous thing Dee’s ever heard. 

“What about you, Mrs. Mac. You want a hundred Ronalds?” Dee calls to the other woman, more out of amusement than anything else. She simply receives a grunt in response. 

“Ohhh,” Bonnie squeals with delight. “Babies are such a blessing. I have so many pictures of my Charlie.” She jumps up, scurrying to the bookshelf for said pictures. She probably has more pictures of her son framed around the house than Barbara had, total, of her daughter. 

Bonnie returns with a heavy photo album. Despite Dee’s continued protests, she opens it. The first page is full of photos of a baby, varying from days to weeks old. He’s dressed in various shades of blues and greens, and doesn’t do much. Bonnie flips through the album, chattering away with various behind the scenes stories as photo Charlie grows up. Dee finds herself focused on one photo in particular. There’s nothing special about it, really. Just another piece in her Charlie shrine. There he is, staring at the camera with a signature Charlie look- happy and confused and amazed by the object. His hair is thinner and more tamed than now, but the color is the exact same. His eyes still hold a hint of that standard baby blue, but his distinctive green is predominant along with some very faint freckles. _Huh_. Dee sees, for the first time, what her baby could really look like. 

*** 

It’s been nine days since her appointment. She hasn’t told anyone else about the pregnancy, nor has she really thought about it herself. Dee’s doing what the gang does best, ignoring their problems. 

*** 

Dee’s not sure which is withdrawal symptoms, or which is pregnancy symptoms anymore. She hasn’t had a drink in two weeks and it’s wreaking extra hell on her poor body. Between the two, she’s vomiting several times a day and questioning a whole array of life choices; the throbbing pain behind her eyes makes it difficult to consider it too much, however. She lies in bed, pulling the covers over her head and wonders if her shaky hands are from withdrawal or her freezing body. 

*** 

Dee sits at her kitchen table, scrolling on her laptop while she snacks on a bowl of grapes. It’s late but she can’t sleep. Stupid baby hormones. She opens a new tab; She’s going to start looking into baby stuff. She still doesn’t know what she’s going to do, but acknowledging it is a good start. Her fingers nervously hover over her belly; She lightly strokes the fabric of her shirt. It’s crazy to think about- just under her fingertips, a human is growing. 

She opens the Target website and clicks on the baby section. Her eyes scan all the categories for babies’ needs, clicking “Add to Cart” on all the necessities, like diapers and bottles; Things the baby absolutely needs to survive, that she can’t substitute and fake her way without. It’s overwhelming at first, every item she adds to the list seems to lengthen it- not shorten. Diapers lead to wipes which lead to powders and rash cream. Those lead to lotion to soap and a special baby bath seat because apparently the thing will get too slippery on its own. Eventually, it becomes a little fun, choosing colors of a diaper bag and car seat and bedding for the crib. Even bottles come decorated with fun little patterns. Maybe having this thing will be kind of cool. 

Almost two hours later, Dee finds her eyes heavy and online cart full. She catches the total price $1,300. She closes the laptop. That’s a lot of money. She has a small savings the guys don’t know about, but it’ll only get her so far. A lot of it is a one-time purchase, but there’s a shitload of things the kid will continuously need. Clothes and diapers, specifically. Maybe even formula? Shit, that’s a decision she’d have to make, too. Breastfeeding is free, but then she’d need pumps and creams. The lists never end, no matter what direction she goes. 

Dee leans back in her chair, looking around her small apartment. How the hell is she going to fit another person and their endless list of needs in here? 

*** 

Dee stands in her kitchen, a glass of orange juice in one hand and a marker in the other. She stares at the calendar on the wall. More specifically, she stares at the big circle on today’s date. She adds an ‘X’ to the square, continuing the pattern of every one before it. She’s officially 12 weeks pregnant- today is her last chance to put an end to it. And the procedure requires an appointment and a bunch of shit before it. She mentally kicks herself for her procrastinating and indecisiveness over the past month. It’s too late now. She’s officially having a baby. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was chapter one.
> 
> I have it all written, and will decide on my posting schedule soon.


	2. Second Trimester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee's getting bigger and has to tell the guys, who make a major deduction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 2! This takes place during months 4-6

Dee hasn't had a drink in close to ten weeks. The worst withdrawal symptoms are over, and it's still hard as hell; But she's doing it. She’s learned to avoid temptation, by throwing out all the beers and liquors in her apartment, but working in a bar tests that on a daily basis. Like now, when the guys demand she do her job and serve them beers. 

Dee pops the cap off a beer, savoring the familiar sound. There’s still some muscle memory there, scratching at her brain to take a drink before the cap even lands. She stares down the bottle neck, considering; One little sip couldn’t hurt, more for the taste than an actual buzz. Would it start the cravings and suffering over? Or satisfy that nagging need? 

“What are you doing?” Mac asks, snapping Dee out of it. “Beers,” he demands. 

Dee shakes her head. _What is she doing?_ She slams the bottle on the bar, then hurries out the door, getting away from the situation. 

“What the hell is her problem?” Dennis scoffs, grabbing the bottle his sister left and taking a drink. 

*** 

Dee forces herself out of bed. Even though she’s finally sleeping, she’s so tired lately; Probably because the baby is sucking the life and energy out of her. It’s 11:00 AM; She has two hours to get to the bar for her shift. She hauls herself into the shower, hoping the hot water will invigorate her. 

After her shower, Dee slips on her fluffy blue robe and heads to the kitchen for breakfast. She’s gotten better at eating in the mornings, both in frequency and in being healthy. 

After a breakfast of toast, yogurt and an apple, Dee steps into her jeans and pulls them on, but falters upon buttoning them. They don’t quite close, maxing out about an inch apart. Weird. She wiggles the garment slightly, in some attempt of making it work. Damn breakfast, she should’ve skipped this morning. She takes a deep breath, sucking in her stomach as small as it will go, but still comes up at little short on buttoning them. Then it hits her- it’s not her fault her clothes don’t fit anymore, it’s the baby’s. She stands in front of her mirror, turning slightly. There it is, between her belly button and hips- a tiny little bump. 

Dee observes it for a moment, running a hand over her belly and taking in the minute roundness. 

She pulls her jeans off and digs in the back of her drawer for a pair of leggings. They go on easily, and Dee thinks, with the right shirt, she could still hide this whole situation just a little longer. 

:: 

She enters the bar and is greeted by her brother. “You’re late.” 

Dee looks at her watch, “Five minutes. I’m sure you boners could handle all this without me.” She sweeps her arm across the air, indicating an empty bar, save for three regulars quietly nursing drinks in a corner. 

“I’m docking your pay,” Frank tells her. 

“You don’t pay me shit anyway. I doubt 20 cents is going to hurt,” Dee comments. _Shit, that’s another thing. How is she going to raise a baby on her salary?_

The guys ignore her as she heads towards the office to drop her purse. Frank continues reading his newspaper, while Dennis and Mac discuss some plans for “improving” their apartment. Charlie stops sweeping long enough to watch Dee, observing her unusual outfit. 

“What?” she snaps, passing by. 

*** 

Dee stands in front of the four men in her life. Her twin brother, her super religious and super gay fremesis, her one-time dad, and her… baby’s father. She feels like a teenager revealing her pregnancy to her parents. 

They look bored, like listening to her talk is physically painful; They slump and fidget and look around the bar. She better spit it out before they all lose the little bit of interest they have. Dee wrings her hands, “I called this meeting because I have an announcement.” The guys perk up slightly, but nothing like if one of them came into the bar with an announcement. She decides to just go for it, “I’m pregnant.” It’s getting easier to say. Dee doesn’t release her breath, worried she may miss a reaction. 

There’s a whirl of “what the fuck”s, “of course,”s, and variations of how she ruins everything, thrown around. She watches Charlie closer than the others, but he gives no indication that he suspects that it’s his. Dee’s not sure how she feels about it 

*** 

Lying on her couch, Dee rests for the first time in nearly 14 hours. She settles in with a movie, resting her hand on her belly. Not in the cheesy pregnant woman way, Dee tells herself. No, it’s a small couch and she just needs a place to put her limbs; one hand casually rests on her swollen belly and the other is feeding herself popcorn from the bowl on the coffee table. 

Forty-five minutes into the movie, Dee finds herself dozing off, in that sweet spot between asleep and awake. She lets it take over, drifting off and deciding to deal with any resulting soreness from the cramped furniture tomorrow. Pregnancy is already wreaking havoc on her poor body, what’s a little sore neck? Soon, she’s jolted awake by a new sensation: a weird little fluttering. She yanks her hand away, suddenly wide awake. Dee worries for a brief moment that she’s having another heart attack, or maybe organ failure from alcohol withdrawal, but remembers what the doctor told her should be happening around now. She's just felt her baby move for the first time. 

_Cool._ Once the initial shock wears off, Dee places her hand in the same spot hoping to feel it again. 

*** 

Dee’s only felt her baby move a few times since that initial event. It’s still infrequent and random, a surprise every time, a little reminder that ‘hey, there’s a baby growing in you.’ Her growing, and now moving, belly is making her pregnancy harder to ignore, forcing Dee to make another decision. Now that she definitely has to have the thing, she’s down to just two options- adopt it out or raise it herself. 

She sits at her kitchen table one night, pulling out the adoption papers from the pile the first doctor gave her. It’s a mixture of FAQ documents in black and white, and brightly colored glossy pamphlets, covered with staged photos of happy families. She flips through the pages, wondering if her kid could be happy knowing it was given away by his mother? Would it really feel like a part of the adopted family? Would she even be happy living with Dee? Would Dee regret keeping her kid, and turn into her own mother? 

*** 

It’s spring in Philly. It was a bit of a rough winter for Dee, with the baby, cold and dark days threatening new layers of depression on top of her usual. But the chirping birds and slowly blooming flowers give Dee hope. The darkness of winter is gone, and the sunshine warms her skin. After five minutes of trying to force her swollen feet into her favorite sneakers, Dee realizes another great thing about the new season, as she tosses her shoes to the side and slips on a pair of flip-flops. 

*** 

Dee sits on the back counter of Paddy’s, with a sandwich as she watches the guys stuff clothes into duffel bags and chatter about their asinine plans- her version of dinner and a show. She mocks them and Dennis fires back an insult, making himself feel better by putting her down. She’s not even insulted at the fat jokes, he’s making an ass of himself. 

“I’m not fat, I’m pregnant,” Dee says, annoyed, through a mouthful of sandwich. _How are they still not getting this?_

“I feel like you say that all the time now,” Mac sounds annoyed. 

“I feel like I say it all the time now,” she retorts back. It’s like two children arguing. 

_Has she said it before?_

\---- 

“Oh, Queen Dee. Too good to do shots with her buddies,” Charlie mocks, sitting with the guys at one end of the bar while Dee wipes glasses at the other end. 

“Nah, you know what it is?” Dennis asks. Whatever it is, Dee knows he’s going to be wrong. “She knows her scrawny bird body can’t handle booze. You’re a lightweight, Dee.” 

“I’m not a lightweight, I’m pregnant,” Dee snaps, tired of these conversations. 

* 

“You gotta do it, Deandra,” Frank says. “You’re the only one here who’s gangly enough to reach.” 

“Okay, first of all, Dennis and I are twins. We have the same bone structure. And he’s taller than me. And, second- isn't dealing with this shit Charlie Work?” Dee argues. 

“Oh, Sweet Dee,” Dennis mocks. “Too afraid of a little-.” 

But Dee interrupts, not even going to hear it this time. “I’m not afraid. I’m pregnant.” 

* 

“Really, Dee?” Dennis criticizes, looking across the bar at his sister lounging in a booth with her feet propped up on an empty box. 

“I ain’t payin’ you to sit around,” Frank tells her as he seemingly appears out of nowhere. 

“Sloth is a sin, Dee,” Mac says from his barstool. “Laziness is a ticket straight to hell.” 

“I’m not lazy, I’m pregnant,” Dee retorts. 

* 

\---- 

_The guys blink in mild acknowledgement. Huh. Maybe she has._

“Then I’ll restate- we don’t care. About you or your body or your little bird baby,” Mac says, indicating the others as if he’s their elected spokesperson. They all laugh at his genius. 

That’s it. She doesn’t give a shit anymore. They’ve pushed her off the edge. “Well you might not care about my baby, but maybe you’ll give a shit about one of yours.” She hops off the counter, sandwich in hand, headed toward the door. 

“What are to talking about?” Dennis asks, confused and concerned. 

Dee turns to them, standing in the doorway, “I’m talking about the Halloween party, when one of you got me pregnant. But since you don’t care, I’m not gonna tell you who. Figure it out for yourselves. Or don’t.” And she disappears. 

They all stand in shock for a moment, then slowly turn to Charlie, one by one as realization sets in. 

“Why are you looking at me?” his voice hits a high pitch, confused. 

Of course, Dennis speaks first. “It has to be you, I’m her brother, Frank can’t get it up,” - “Can too!” he interrupts- “And Mac is gay as shit-,” 

“Am not! Dee’s just gross,” Mac argues. 

“Precisely,” Dennis states. “Dee’s a whore that’ll bang anybody. And Charlie never gets laid, so of course he’d be desperate enough to sleep with her.” 

“Maybe she’s lyin’,” Frank adds. “She doesn’t know who the dad is, so she’s sayin’ it’s Charlie. Knowin’ I’m gonna be the one payin’ for it.” 

Mac and Dennis consider it, it’s plausible. They continue talking, but Charlie ignores it, focused more on his spinning head and the ringing in his ears. He remembers the Halloween party. He remembers the two of them in the back office. _Dee’s expression as he lifts her onto the desk. The way her lips part as he slides into her. The way his heart beat in his chest from exertion and excitement. Their sounds of pleasure mingled with the party outside the door._ _The feeling of so wrong and so right._

That was about 5 months ago. He’s not a baby scientist, but Charlie’s pretty sure Dee’s belly is about that size. 

_Oh shit._ He sprints out the door, leaving the other three standing there. 

:: 

Charlie stands outside Dee’s door. He’s gonna do it. He’s gonna be there and his son’s gonna have a dad. It’ll probably mess things up with the waitress, but they’ll get through it. He makes a fist, takes a deep breath, and beats on the door. “Dee! Open up!” he yells. Charlie nervously runs his hands through his sweaty hair, waiting on Dee to open the door. 

Dee braces herself for whatever’s on the other side, after her announcement. Confronted with only Charlie, her expression goes from shocked and nervous, to her tough façade. “Hi, Charlie,” she says, as casual as possibly. 

“What the hell, Dee?” Charlie says, accusatory. 

“You know,” she says, almost a question. 

“Hell yeah I know,” he’s almost shouting. 

Dee moves to the side, waving him inside. She sits on the couch, encouraging Charlie to make the first move. He closes the door and stares down at her for a moment, then sits. Neither says anything. 

“I wasn’t trying to get you pregnant,” he says after a moment, his previous anger apparently gone. 

“Neither was I,” Dee snaps, a little defensively. 

“You’re sure it’s mine?” he asks. Dee opens her mouth to snap that yes, she’s not a whore who doesn’t know who knocked her up, but stops herself. It’s a legitimate question, one she’d be asking if the baby wasn't inside her. Dee nods. 

“Okay,” Charlie says quietly, rubbing his palms on his jeans, talking to himself more than to Dee, as he processes the news. “What are we gonna do?” he asks, and the ‘we’ hits Dee. He’s actually trying to be part of this. But he’s not trying to make an adult decision, he’s asking for guidance. Maybe to be caught up on the past five months he’s been left out of. 

“I don’t know,” she sighs. She’s having it, but that’s all she’s figured out. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I don’t know,” Dee repeats. There’s a beat of silence. “Well, I mean, I just did,” she jokes weakly. He continues looking at her, wanting a real answer. “I don’t know, Charlie,” Dee says, softly. “I mean, it’s _a lot_ to think about.” 

It seems to placate him for now. Charlie swallows hard and nods. “I coulda used... You didn’t say…I thought you were taking the pills.” 

“I am,” Dee says, “Or was. It’s Dennis and Frank’s fault, anyway.” 

Charlie cocks his head. He’ll admit he doesn’t know a lot about this stuff, but he isn’t exactly stupid about it. 

“When I was sick. Before the Groban concert. They drugged me, and I guess that shit messes with birth control. Makes it not work.” 

_Oh._ Charlie remembers that day. More importantly, he remembers coming home to find Dee tied up in his bed. 

_“Dee? What are you doing here?” Charlie questions walking into his apartment, expression changing from surprised to amused when he notices her tied down._

_“Goddamn Frank and Dennis is what happened!” she calls. “Those assholes did this shit, then ran off.”_

_“Oh, shit,” he chuckles sitting on the edge of the futon._

_“Hah, yeah, funny,” she snaps, “Now, untie me, this thing is disgusting.”_

_“Y’know, a lot of guys would like having a girl in their bed like this,” Charlie_ _teases,_ _making her wait longer to be released_ _._

_“Yeah. And a lot of guys would know what to do with a girl in their bed like this,” Dee shoots back._

_“I’d know what to do with you!” Charlie nearly screeches._

_The moment goes from anger to awkward to normal as they both laugh._

_He relaxes, loosening the ropes as she sits up. “They got you bad, huh?” Charlie asks, running a light finger down her cheek. “Give it a few days and it’ll clear up. Look at me,” he states proudly sitting up straight._

_Dee finishes the ropes on her own, “Yeah,” she replies sarcastically, “You’re really thriving.”_

It’s weird thinking that a week after that, they would be having sex instead of joking about it. Then 5 months after that they’d be discussing their baby. 

*** 

Dee exits the bathroom stall, gags and slides down the wall of the women’s bathroom at Paddy’s. She’s grateful that she’s pretty much the only one who uses it, as it’s the cleanest area in the building. The smokey garbage smell of the bar is really making her nauseated. After vomiting for the third time this shift, she doesn’t have the energy to rinse her mouth in the sink. Instead, she sits on the bathroom floor, wallowing in self-pity. She startles when the door opens. 

Charlie enters and stares down at her, “You’ve been in here a lot today.” 

She wants to fight back, “You’re the janitor, not my goddamn boss”, but doesn’t have it in her. Who’s he to bitch about her not working? She wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for him. She gets out, “Your kid doesn’t like the smell of this dump today. You should clean it better.” 

He takes in her pale skin and shaky exterior. He feels a little bad- it is kind of his fault she’s going through this. Sure, if it was intentional he’d be drinking beers and laughing at her with the guys. But Charlie didn’t mean for this. “Go home, Dee. I’ll deal with the guys’ shit,” he tells her, and it takes Dee a moment to place that tone; It’s caring. 

She hates feeling so weak, but is grateful for the pass. She gets to her feet and heads for the exit. “Thanks, Charlie,” she mutters on her way past, intentionally avoiding his eyes and the sympathy in them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still there, thank you! :)  
> I hope this chapter wasn't a disappointment. I really struggled with the Charlie/Dee scene at her apartment. I feel like he may be a little too calm, but is too shocked to really react and also, this isn't a major drama. :)


	3. Third Trimester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot happening in these last few months. Dee and Charlie find out the sex! They bond a little (in a few ways), and Dee finalizes preparation for baby's arrival. Which is good, because she's going to into labor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three is here! I was going to post tomorrow and make them all 5 days apart, but I'm having a crap day mentally so here we are. 
> 
> This is my longest chapter yet. Longer than the fitrst two combined, so strap in for this one. 
> 
> Quick warnings-  
> -Frank makes a transphobic comment. If you want to avoid it it's between "The next thing Charlie remembers" and "“No,” Charlie answers, sitting up". It's a little snippet between scenes in King of the Rats.  
> -There's also a smut scene (*gasp*!). Also in King of the Rats. It runs from "Dee stands nervously" to "They lie side by side in contentment", if you want to skip it. But the part after that is pretty important.

Dee likes being a teacher. She’s inspirational and admired. Well, she will be soon, once these brats realize how talented she is. 

The school doesn’t smell like garbage and it pays better, too. With a gig like this, Dee can see herself as a mom. Not one of those lame ones, though, with a mini-van and bob haircut and color coordinated calendar. She’s a cool mom, inspiring students who adore her, all with a cute baby accessorizing her hip. 

Her brother and asshole friends keep bringing her down; It’s why she’s not an actress. But she’s escaped them and things are looking up. There’s one problem, though, and he’s currently peeking his head in her classroom doorway. “Psst, Dee,” Charlie calls to her, then whistles for good measure. 

“What do you want, Charlie?” Dee hisses at him when she reaches the doorway. She bends slightly to his eye-level, resting her hand on her belly from rushing over. 

“Do you want to hang out?” he asks. 

“No. I’m working. I’m a teacher now,” Dee says, turning away. 

“Oh, that’s cool,” Charlie says. 

“Yeah. Now I gotta get back to inspiring some students.” 

He does not take a hint. “Oh, you’re inspiring people now? How about you toss a little inspiration my way. Because the guys think Schmitty’s all th-,” Charlie asks before he’s interrupted. 

“Here’s some inspiration. You’re really good at cleaning toilets and throwing out trash. Why don’t you go do that?” It’s a blow off and insult, but Charlie doesn’t see it that way. 

“So, you’re saying get a job here so we can hang out?” he asks excitedly. 

“No. Noooo. Do not do that,” Dee says, making it as clear as possible. 

“Okay. I’m gonna go get a janitor job here and we can work together again. It’s gonna be great, the baby can live at the school with us,” he grins happily, excitedly giving Dee three small pats on the belly before taking off down the hallway. 

Goddammit. This cannot happen. People cannot know she banged the janitor. And what the fuck does he mean live at the school? 

…. 

It’s gonna be great, Charlie thinks as he sits in the principal’s office waiting for him to arrive for the impromptu interview. 

He’ll have a job doing what he loves, at a place that’s already clean. Dee will be a teacher, and they can hang out in the teachers' lounge, snacking and exploring the hidden treasures it hides. Then when she’s off teaching, the baby can chill in his janitor’s cart, hanging out with him while he cleans. Yeah, this is gonna be great. 

*** 

The school thing didn’t work out for either of them. Big surprise. Neither did the becoming best friends thing. They can still hang out, though. 

“What you got there?” Charlie asks, peering into Dee’s bowl, where she’s seated on her couch. 

She feels a little embarrassed over pregnancy hormones, mostly because of the guys’ constant harassment, but answers nonetheless. “Chocolate ice cream with barbecue sauce.” 

He looks intrigued, reaching over for her spoon, “Mind if I-.” 

Dee smacks his hand away. “Get your own.” Of course Charlie would find weird pregnancy cravings appetizing. 

He goes to the kitchen, prepares a bowl then returns to the spot next to her on the couch. He takes a bite. “Mmmm, this is really good, Dee. Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” he says through a mouthful. Gross. 

“Because I would never eat this disgusting stuff. It’s these awful pregnancy cravings,” Dee says. As much as she’s enjoying her snack, the thought of the combination is still awful. 

“No. It’s good,” Charlie disagrees after another bite. He reaches over, lightly patting her belly, “Right, kid?” 

*** 

“Hey,” Dee says approaching Charlie. His eyes instantly find her belly first. It’s the only part of her that’s gotten bigger, really. Nosy ladies tell her how lucky she is, not gaining a bunch of weight, being “all belly” as they say, but Dee kind of hates it. Her skinny legs and lean face look the same as pre-pregnancy, making her baby bump extra prominent. His gaze lingers a moment longer before meeting her face. Dee shifts nervously on her feet. “I have a baby appointment tomorrow. Do you wanna go? With me.” 

The look of surprise on his face is unmistakable. Dee’s not sure if it’s because she’s inviting him or because he’s realizing pregnancy requires extra stuff. The pause before he answers makes her more nervous. 

“Okay,” he says. 

“Yeah? Okay,” Dee says, a little surprised herself. “I’ll pick you up at your place at 10.” 

*** 

The pair sit in awkward silence in the exam room. Dee on the table and Charlie in a wooden chair to her right. 

“I got some new jeans,” Charlie breaks the silence. 

“Hmmm,” Dee acknowledges his statement. 

“Yeah,” Charlie says, excited. “We found a whole box under the bridge.” 

“Don’t wear bridge jeans, Charlie,” Dee says. “That’s gross.” 

“It’s fine. We boil them first.” 

“Oh, you boil them? That’s not gross or weird at all.” 

“It’s smart, Dee,” Charlie argues, tapping at his temple. “It sanitizes them. My clothes are probably cleaner than yours.” 

“No, goddammit, they’re n-,” Dee starts to argue back, but is interrupted by three raps on the door before it opens. 

“Hello, Dee. How are we feeling?” the doctor asks. She catches sight of the addition in the room and extends her hand, “I’m Dr. Walker.” 

“Charlie,” he says, shaking her hand. 

“This is, uh, this is the guy,” Dee explains, indicating her round belly. She feels herself blush, slightly, presenting the man who knocked her up. She’s been going to this ob/gyn since discovering her pregnancy, but has never really brought up the dad until now. 

“Nice to meet you,” Dr. Walker says, perfunctory. She turns to Dee and her chart. “So, looks like we’re just doing a routine checkup, and, if the baby’s in a good position, we can find out the sex today.” 

The doctor asks a series of questions, ranging from how she’s feeling to diet to any bodily changes; Some result in Dee blushing, discussing this in front of Charlie. It’s a little uncomfortable for him, too, choosing to glance around the room as she discusses the more personal stuff, as if his wandering eyes prevent him from hearing the discussion. 

Dr. Walker enters some information on the room’s computer. She wishes Dee good luck until her next appointment and leaves. 

The ultrasound tech enters about a minute later, “Are we ready to see baby?” 

Dee leans back, pulling her shirt up to expose her stretched belly. She catches the look on Charlie’s face- a mix of surprise and disgust. It’s the first time he’s seen her swollen belly bare. “Gross, right?” Dee tells him as the tech squirts the gel on her belly. 

“There’s your baby,” the tech says as a grainy black and white image becomes clear on the screen. 

“That’s a baby,” Charlie breathes, amazed, leaning forward for a closer look. 

The tech chuckles good naturedly at his astonishment. She moves the wand around Dee’s belly stopping to focus on the head and developing limbs from various angles; She studies the screen and records some things. “Everything looks great,” she smiles. “Do you want to know the sex?” 

“Yes,” Dee says. She doesn’t check Charlie’s opinion; Even though he’s the father, it doesn’t feel like it matters. He’s still sitting in the wooden chair, leaning forward, focused on the screen. She reaches her hand out and Charlie clasps it in his before she can expect criticism. 

The tech moves the wand around and the image on the screen changes ever so slightly. It freezes and she turns to smile at them, “Congratulations, you’re having a girl.” 

Dee feels her mind shut off. A girl. She’d been hoping for one in the back of her mind, but the forefront assumed boy. Because that’s how it is in her life- surrounded by men. It’s the default. 

She can see it now, watching her baby grow up. A little girl with blonde hair and green eyes dressed in bows. Herself and her daughter going to the nail salon. The grown pair going out for cocktails. 

It makes her maybe want the thing a little more, having a mini-Dee. 

She checks Charlie’s reaction, discovering him very still and looking like he’s about to throw up. A girl. Charlie had imagined himself with a son ever since he decided he was going to stick around and be a dad. But visions of a daughter flood his mind. A little girl with Dee’s bright blue eyes, and his dark hair. He and his daughter drawing all over the sidewalk outside Paddy’s. The two of them singing songs about cats while Charlie plays his keyboard. Hell, girls can have a catch, too. 

Having a kid could be fun. 

The tech congratulates them again, giving each a printed copy of the sonogram. She passes Dee a box of tissues and exits the room. Dee pushes herself up, wiping the gel off her belly with some Kleenex. She pushes the used ones towards Charlie, who holds the collection in his hands. 

“You okay?” Dee asks cautiously, dabbing the last of the gel off her belly; He’s been eerily silent. Goddamn, maybe he really is disappointed it’s not a boy. Well that’s _his_ fault. If he wanted a boy, he should’ve put a boy in her. 

“That was…wow,” he tells her. “There’s a _person_ in you.” 

“Yeah,” Dee agrees, grinning a little. “It’s fucked up, but kind of cool.” 

Charlie stares at the picture in his hands. _His_ kid. Half him and half Dee. He extends it out, holding the picture up to Dee’s belly, trying to imagine. Like this, it’s almost as if he has x-ray vision. 

Dee lowers her shirt then slides to her feet. “Alright,” she says and the life in her voice is gone. “Ready? We gotta get to the bar.” 

Charlie blinks in confusion, snapping out of his stupor. “You can’t go to the bar. It’s a bar. And you’re growing a baby. Bars aren’t for babies. You should be home.” 

“Yeah, well, that sounds great, but my boss is an asshole.” 

Dee can see the wheels of panic turning in his head, of wanting to protect his developing baby. His future daughter. 

“We’ll be fine, Charlie,” she says, and places a hand on his shoulder, “It’s fine.” 

*** 

Dee’s on her way to the bar for another long shift on her already swollen feet, and a night of insults from the gang. She pulls into one of those stupid hipster smoothie places; She deserves one of those overpriced things while the guys down beers all night, and all the vitamins and shit are good for the baby. She’s standing in line, because none of these assholes have offered to let her to skip to the front, when she hears a vaguely familiar voice. “Dee?!” There’s Carmen walking towards her, cup in hand, looking great in her tank top and tight pants, eliciting a twinge of jealousy in Dee. 

“Hey, Carmen,” Dee greets back in surprise. “I heard you got married. Congratulations. Mac was completely freaking out. It was hilarious.” 

“Thanks,” Carmen says, “I haven't heard from him in a while, so I think he’s coming to terms with things. Congratulations to you, too,” Carmen says cheerfully about Dee’s expanded belly. 

“Heh, yeah.” 

Carmen doesn’t seem to notice Dee’s lack of excitement. “That’s wonderful,” she smiles. Her expression softens, “I’d love to be a mother,” she says longingly, “but it’s been difficult. Surrogacy, adoption...” 

Suddenly it all clicks. Dee has a baby and doesn’t know what to do with it. Carmen doesn’t have a baby and wants one. 

“Do you want this one?” Dee asks. 

“What?” Carmen asks in surprise. 

“Do you want this one?” Dee repeats. “Like adopt it and shit.” She places a hand on her belly. “It’s a girl. If that matters,” she adds. 

Carmen doesn’t respond, speechless at where this conversation turned. Her reaction doesn’t say _no_. “I- uh…,” she gets out. 

The line starts moving, “Think about it, okay?” Dee grabs a crumpled receipt from her purse, scribbling down her number and passing it to Carmen. 

:: 

Dee sits in a booth at Paddy’s later that day. She sips at her smoothie while touching up her nails. She’s been using pink lately, instead of her traditional blacks and whites. But, she’s having a girl and the pink polish feels like the right way to pay tribute to that. And, if there’s one good thing about being pregnant, it’s how amazing the prenatal vitamins make her nails. 

“Ugh, do you have to do that here?” Dennis calls to her from the bar. “That shit reeks.” 

“Smells worse over here, pal,” Dee replies, barely looking up. She’s finished, anyway, holding her hands up to inspect her craftsmanship. 

“I think they smell good,” Charlie adds, arriving from the keg room. He wipes his hands on his jeans. “Charlie Work is officially done,” he grabs a beer, popping the top off and taking a long drink. He starts to walk around the bar, but pauses considering, and grabs one more for good measure. 

Dennis rolls his eyes. “You would,” he says. 

“See!” Mac says. “This is why I’m not gonna be with a woman.” He points to Dee- the pregnancy, her shrill voice, sass, and the stink of their various chemicals. 

The gang collectively raise their eyebrows. “So,” Charlie starts slowly, “That means you’re gonna be with a man.” 

Mac turns into a deer in headlights. “No,” he says. “I mean-no. Not a man,” he flounders. “It’s gonna be us bros,” he finishes, proudly getting out of that one. 

Dee ignores the scene, taking a moment to enjoy it. Her problems are solved. Carmen’s gonna take the baby off her hands. It’ll get a nice family and Dee can go back to normal. Her moment of proud silence doesn’t last long. _Shit._ She just offered someone her baby. 

Charlie slides in the booth across from her, beers in hand. Nine weeks ago, she’d be brimming with jealousy; Fighting the desire for a beer causing her to leave fingernail marks in her palms. 

It’s unfair he gets to drink and she doesn’t. It’s his kid, too. 

“You okay?” Charlie asks. She’ll give him credit, he’s gotten better at noticing her feelings. 

“Yeah,” Dee says. “I think I solved our baby problem.” 

Charlie raises an eyebrow, listening. 

“Carmen might want it.” 

“What?” he asks. 

“I saw Carmen today, at that smoothie place on Walnut. She was talking about wanting a baby now that she’s married. So, I told her, they can have this one,” Dee explains. 

“You can’t do that, Dee,” Charlie says, voice rising. “You can’t just give our baby away. Not without talking to me.” 

“Well, I did,” Dee tells him, eyes narrowing. 

“You’re leaving me out of this, too? Why even tell me it’s mine? I haven’t been a part of any decision,” Charlie fights to keep from yelling. 

“Do you want it, Charlie?” It’s more of a challenge than a real question. 

“I...I don’t know! Maybe,” Charlie throws his arms up as he speaks. 

“Maybe’s not good enough,” Dee matches his volume. “You can’t just get bored of this thing three months in. I’m the only one thinking about this!” 

“I might know more if you told me sooner, so I had time to think,” Charlie says as evenly as possible. 

“Well, I had time, and this is what I want,” Dee states. “My body, my choice.” 

“That again?,” he asks, frustrated. “It’s for abortion, Dee. Which you should’ve did if you don’t want your kid.” 

“Oh, like your mom tried?” Dee says cooly, aiming to hurt him. 

“Mine actually wanted me,” Charlie replies. “Can you say that?” 

In the _who can hurt who_ contest, he wins. 

“Screw you,” Dee hisses, pushing herself up from the table. 

Dee hurries towards the women's bathroom. She’s not sure if she’s angry or sad or whatever-the-fuck-else, but she’s sure as hell not going to let the others see her cry. 

*** 

Charlie’s been depressed lately, with his sad rat bashing life and having to share a bed with Frank. Okay, he seems to enjoy the latter for some reason Dee will never understand. She’s felt a small piece of empathy for the man, since they’ve begun bonding over the baby. But, still, it’s hard to care too much because nobody seems to care about her. 

He stands in the bar and stares into thin air, mumbling something about the rats and Dee picks up on the key words. “Mothers. Fathers. Baby rats.” He shudders lightly, then finishes his beer and goes to the bathroom to piss. 

It’s then that Frank announces it’s the poor bastard’s birthday. They should do something nice. The four disappear into the office to discuss what, out of Charlie’s earshot. 

“Wait, wait, wait. I’m pregnant and you haven’t offered me spas or days off or anything,” Dee interjects, when Frank explains his plan, holding up two spa coupons. 

“Okay, then. Out of not being cynical. I say we give the coupons to Dee, and she takes Charlie to the spa. It might be less suspicious, with him being your baby daddy,” Dennis says plucking the coupons from Frank’s fat little fingers and placing them in Dee’s long thin ones. 

Goddammit, now she has to spend the day with Charlie. If she wasn’t all soft and nice from carrying his bastard kid, she’d toss one in the trash and sneak out the side door. Dee deserves a day of pampering. 

:: 

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but in your condition, spas are not recommended,” the receptionist says. “Also, you can’t bring food in here,” she adds, eyeing Charlie and his spaghetti. 

_What the hell_ _?!_ “Listen, lady, I’m 7 months pregnant. I need to relax now more than ever.” 

“I’m sorry, but it’s a safety concern. I can recommend a place that will cater to someone in your condition,” the receptionist grabs a piece of paper and starts writing an address. 

“You’re not sending me to some creep with a pregnancy fetish,” Dee argues. “Expect some very bad reviews,” she points angrily at the receptionist. “C’mon, Charlie, we’re leaving.” She turns and storms out the door. 

Charlie takes another bite of spaghetti and follows. 

“That was rude,” Charlie comments as they start down the sidewalk. 

“Right!?” Dee agrees, “Thank you.” 

“No food allowed,” he scoffs through a mouthful of spaghetti. “People need to eat, Dee.” 

“It’s not about the spaghetti. Forget about the spaghetti,” Dee snaps. “Those assholes refuse me service, just because I’m pregnant. Discrimination is what that is.” 

He simply shrugs in response, still a little unclear of the day’s plans, but is enjoying lunch. 

“Fuck, ‘em. Let’s go see a movie,” Dee says, grabbing Charlie by the elbow and directing him with her down the sidewalk. 

:: 

They arrive at the theater and buy tickets for whatever is starting next- some 3D movie that Dee ignores the title of. 

“Whoa!” Charlie shouts diving in front of Dee as an image on the screen jumps out. “That came right at you. Is this safe?” 

His reaction is more startling than the movie’s special effects. Dee’s surprise at his sudden movement upsets the baby, who shows its displeasure by flipping and jabbing her in some organ. She breathes out heavily, rubbing at the sore spot her kid left her. 

“How can they let you in here but not that fancy place? That seemed a lot better for you guys.” 

Dee’s heart skips a beat at Charlie referring to her _and_ the baby. “I don’t know, Charlie,” she sighs, rubbing at her temples. Helping the guys set up for the party is seeming like less work than this. 

:: 

“What’s so great about sitting in a hot, wet room?” Charlie asks as he settles into the sauna bench. 

“It’s a sauna, Charlie,” Frank corrects, “I’m paying top dollar for this.” He ties door closed with the tie from his robe, “Keep out the strange dongs,” he explains. 

It doesn’t take long before the heat makes his head fuzzy and heart race. He has to get out of there. Charlie pulls on the door to leave, but it won’t budge. He yelps, feet slipping as he yanks harder. 

It’s hot and uncomfortable and claustrophobic. _Shit, is this how his baby feels inside Dee?_ The reminder that he’s going to be a father adds to his panic as he shouts before Frank tackles him to the ground in an attempt at calming him. 

:: 

The next thing Charlie remembers is waking up in his apartment, Frank holding a damp washcloth to his forehead. “You really freaked out back there,” he says. “You turning into a woman like that dude Mac was banging?” 

“No,” Charlie answers, sitting up and pushing Frank’s hand away. “I have a lot going on, okay?” 

“This about Deandra being knocked up?” 

Charlie nods. 

“Listen, kid, being a dad blows. But, honestly, it’s not all bad.” 

:: 

Back at the bar, Dee helps set up for the party. Mac and Dennis move the heavy shit around, setting up a place for the arriving roasted pig that Dee hopes was cooked in alcohol. 

She looks around the bar, at the streamers and balloons. She can almost imagine it as her baby shower. But, Dee knows the gang would never throw one for her, she thinks with a touch of bitterness. She thinks of the little girl growing in her belly, and adds a pink balloon to the wooden pole. 

:: 

“So, you had a good day?” Dee asks a few hours later, taking a sip of her ginger ale. Mac and Dennis disappeared with lame excuses of getting out of work. While Frank seems to have just vanished. 

“Yeah. The rat stick was just what I needed today.” 

“Good,” Dee says. “Maybe you can do something for me, too.” 

Charlie tilts his head. _What could she want?_

“The baby hormones…I’ve been really…,” Dee starts, awkwardly. She decides to just spit it out, “Do you want to have sex?” 

The question takes Charlie by surprise. He considers for question. Sex with Dee is gross, but he’s done it before, already. He knows what it’s like to be all pent up like that. 

_What the hell._ Charlie shrugs, “Sure.” 

:: 

Dee stands nervously in front of Charlie. He’s sitting on her bed only in jeans, watching her, one leg jiggling in anticipation; He’s clearly nervous, too. But this has to be done, if she doesn’t get laid soon, her head will explode. And since Charlie’s the one who got her in this situation, he can be the one to help her out. 

She feels like an idiot in only her maternity bra and underwear. She wishes that she’d worn some sort of lingerie, though the thought attempting to look sexy for Charlie is even worse. Go figure. 

Dee takes a few steps towards him, her growing belly getting there first. Any other time, with any other guy, Dee would push him into a horizontal position, licking and nipping at his lip until his erection is pressing against her (flat) belly. 

She leans down to kiss him, which Charlie reciprocates with his hands still resting uselessly at his sides. A rush of hormones takes over and Dee deepens the kiss, placing her hand in the back of his hair and her palm against his bare chest. 

Charlie moans and Dee takes the opportunity to slip her tongue past his parted lips. He tastes faintly of spaghetti and more strongly of beer. Finally, he moves one hand to rest on her hip, gently rubbing at her skin. Dee stands up, breaking the kiss- her back starting to ache. 

It isn’t until they part does Charlie realize just how hard he is. At first, he refused to just strip, sitting there naked out of the moment, but now he regrets that decision; The denim is constructing and rough on his restrained cock. Charlie would really like to be naked right now. With Dee touching him all over and him touching her back. 

He takes the brief reprieve to unbutton his pants, pushing them to the floor. Dee watches him, with a ravenous look, that Charlie finds he likes very much. “Fuck,” Dee breathes. She pushes her panties, letting them fall. The hot desire in Charlie’s stomach flares at the sight; His cock twitches, as if to remind him how soft and warm she was last time. Pre-cum dampens a spot on his underwear and Charlie manages to mumble some instruction for Dee to lie on the bed, patting the spot behind him. But Dee shakes her head, “Not with this,” she rests a hand on her belly. She glances to his underwear poorly concealing his erection. “Take those off and lay down.” He does so without any thought, because apparently his brain is in his balls now. 

Dee clambers onto the bed, only slightly awkwardly, with her knees bumping into the bottom of her belly. She lets out a nervous and embarrassed chuckle. Their eyes meet for a brief moment, and Dee straddles him. She lightly grips his cock, eliciting a mixture of a whimper and moan from Charlie, then sinks onto him. _My God_ , Dee never thought anything could feel this amazing. All the times she’s found herself horny and wound up are nothing compared to these last few weeks. Charlie immediately grasps her hips, digging his nails into the newly fuller flesh prompting Dee to drop her head back, letting out a deep and shaky breath. Her hips move slowly, searching for that perfect spot. 

Charlie savors the moment, of her warming every centimeter of him, her ass hitting his balls with an incredible look on her face. It’s amazing, but Charlie wouldn’t mind a little more visual. He reaches up, in an attempt to unclasp her bra but Dee stops him. As much as she loves how big her breasts have gotten, she finds the color change more embarrassing. 

“Dee,” Charlie whines, slightly fidgeting under her. Dee obliges, weighing the options. Her tits are bigger and more sensitive now, but the skin is darker and patchy. Charlie watches as she’s revealed, his tongue flicking out licking his lips at the sight. He reaches out to touch, cupping her breasts and gently flicking the nipples. “Careful,” Dee warns, as her eyes drift shut. Charlie follows her instructions, lessening the pressure, like she’s made of fine glass. 

Dee moves against him, sliding on his dick as fast as her giant belly will allow. He hits that spot inside her that makes Dee see white and her mind go fuzzy. She moves again and again, hitting it over and over again until she’s shouting and shaking above him, grinding down in an attempt to draw out her overwhelming orgasm. The sight above him, knowing he could make someone feel _that good_ , has Charlie coming soon after, pressing up into Dee as she pushes down against him, both panting and desperate. 

They lie side by side in contentment and an awkward silence. Dee is the first to speak when she lets out a soft laugh followed by an “ouch”. Charlie tilts his head to watch her, curiously. “Baby liked the ride,” Dee explains, “She’s kicking the shit out of me.” 

“Really?” Charlie asks, “You can feel that?” 

“Oh, you haven’t-,” Dee says in surprise. He’s right, in the seven months she’s been carrying his child, Charlie’s never felt her baby-their baby- move. She grabs his hand, placing it just below her ribs. Sure enough, a moment later Charlie feels a small movement press against his hand. His eyes grow wide and mouth drops open just slightly in amazement. “Wow,” he breathes. “That’s…,” pauses for the right word, and continues with a smile, “really weird.” Encouraged, Dee grasps his wrist, directing his palm to another position. She smirks, “That’s a little butt.” 

*** 

Charlie and Dee meet with Nick and Carmen at a diner off the highway. The pairs sit across from each other at a table. An adoption lawyer Carmen brought sits on the end, alone. She’s in her fifties with dark hair pulled back tightly, and wearing a grey blazer and skirt. Years of this job have etched a soft but stern expression on her features. 

The lawyer begins. “We’re here to discuss and finalize the adoption of an unborn infant. The agreement is between the birth parents-,” she points to Dee and Charlie, “and the adoptive parents,” she points to Carmen and Nick. The four nod in confirmation. 

“The child will be passed over upon delivery,” the lawyer says, looking between the pairs. “Did you want time with her, first?” she asks Dee. 

_Oh._ She hadn’t really thought about it. Dee considers it; She would kind of like to really see the baby. “Yeah.” 

“Okay. Is the first hour okay?” the lawyer asks and the four nod. 

“Do you want to do an open adoption?” Carmen asks. 

“What? No. You’re not giving it back,” Dee responds. 

“No,” Carmen squints at her. “It’s not shared custody. Did you not research this? We keep the baby. You’ll get updates. Pictures. Maybe even meet her sometime.” 

“Oh,” Dee’s eyes grow wide. “I don’t know. Maybe,” she says, looking to Charlie. He looks lost. 

“I’m going to mark that box,” the lawyer says, a little tensely after a moment. “If you don’t want to later on, that’s fine. But the option is still there.” She looks to each pair who nod. 

She pushes the contract to Carmen and Nick. “Are you sure about this?” she asks. 

“Yes,” Dee tells her, but it’s a little shaky. There’s a part of her that wants her baby, this thing that she’s already feeling so much love for; And the idea of someone loving her back, fully and unconditionally, is so enticing. But, she’s discussed it with Carmen, and with Charlie, and even with herself. She had a shitty mom, and Charlie never had a dad- they don’t know what they’re doing and can’t subject someone to that. 

Nick and Carmen look it over, each signing at the indicated spots. The lawyer accepts the papers back, looking it over. “Okay. Birth parents, your turn,” she says, pushing it towards Dee and Charlie. They lean forward, looking over the document. Dee feels Charlie squirm uncomfortably next to her; She’s about to snap for him to hold the fuck still so she can focus on this, when it clicks in her mind just what his problem is- he can’t read the contract in front of them. In any other circumstance, she’d make a rude comment about his illiteracy, but here she actually sympathizes for him. This is probably the biggest decision of his life and he’s going into it blindly. She reads it over, while Charlie “mhmm”s next to her as he pretends to take it in. 

Dee finishes, looking up then over to her side. “Looks good,” she says. “Right, Charlie?” she tells him, hoping the idiot will get what she’s doing. 

Thankfully, he follows her lead and nods, “Yeah.” 

Charlie and Dee take turns signing next to the little post-it flags. She watches Charlie’s letters compared to hers, large and uneven and unconfident, next to her small, neat ones. 

The lawyer accepts them. “I’m going to make copies, and you’ll receive them in about three to five days.” 

“Can I-,” Carmen asks, indicating the contract in the lawyer’s hand. “One more time?” The lawyer obliges, passing the document to Carmen. 

Carmen looks over the papers, eyes glistening with happy tears, “I’m going to be a mother,” she whispers. Nick wraps an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close and placing a kiss on her head. 

:: 

“You were right, Dee,” Charlie mumbles as they climb into the car. 

Dee raises an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah?” she prompts. 

“Yeah. They’re gonna be good parents. Better than us.” 

“I know,” Dee sighs. She runs a hand over her belly, feeling the baby inside. She puts it in drive and they leave. 

*** 

Dennis and Charlie share an uncomfortable ride with Byron, the truck driver who is determined to have a threesome with the pair. 

“Not a lizard,” Charlie corrects. “Not gay, either. Got a girl pregnant, so… not. gay,” Charlie trails off, tapping his fingers against his leg. 

“That doesn’t mean nothing,” Byron responds. “Your work life. Personal life. Two separate things. We all gotta make money somehow.” 

:: 

“I’m not eating grass, Mac,” Dee snaps, pushing her way through the brush with him. 

“I see Charlie eating grass all the time. Actually, you _should_ be eating grass. That weird little spawn of yours probably likes it,” Mac says, entering a clear patch then stopping to point at her belly. 

“I’m not feeding my baby grass,” Dee clarifies more strongly. “It’s not in any of my baby books. And I don’t want this thing taking after Charlie.” 

:: 

Dee wakes up sometime during the night, stuck in the backseat of Frank’s car while he and Mac doze in the front. The bunny on her chest is moving and Dee lessens her grip to allow him to do his bunny stuff. He hops onto the floor, sniffing around at the collection of junk. There’s a light _tinging_ sound, and Dee pushes herself into the best possible sitting position. He’s attempting to chomp away on a loose nickel. Dee picks him back up, grinning at the cuteness. “Sorry, nickel eater, no food here. I would’ve eaten it by now.” Dee taps him on his twitchy little bunny nose. “I almost ate you, you know,” she says. “For my baby, though,” she explains. Dee pulls him back onto her shoulder, cuddling and stroking his bunny fur as she dozes back off, thinking about her successful attempt at parenting. 

:: 

Charlie’s amazed at the casino buffet. There are rows of foods he’s never seen before, and he’s going to try all of them. Charlie reaches into a pan and grabs a handful of some delicious green stalks. _It’s too bad Frank isn’t here_ , he thinks, _Frank loves a good buffet_ . Dennis appears by his side, acting disgusted and judgmental about Charlie’s behavior. He’s half-expecting Dee to appear with her brother, looking down on him as a team. He’s slightly relieved remembering she’s not there, until the thought of Pregnant Dee joins his thoughts; She’s more adventurous in food than Regular Dee. _Shit, she’d probably love this place._

*** 

Dee’s chilling at home when her phone rings. She picks it up, fully ready to tell the guys to fuck off and let her enjoy her evening off. Carmen’s name appears on the screen. _Huh. Weird._ Dee answers it, unsure of what to expect. She better not be backing out. 

“Dee. Hey,” Carmen’s voice says when Dee answers. 

“What’s up?” Dee asks, suspiciously. 

“I wanted to see if you wanted to grab lunch tomorrow. Chat. Have a girls’ day.” 

Dee’s never been offered that in her life. “Uh, yeah. Okay,” she gets out. 

“Cool,” Carmen says, and Dee’s pretty sure she’s smiling. “Noras? 11:30?” 

Dee nods, then realizes Carmen can’t see her. “Sounds good.” 

“Great. See you then.” 

*** 

Dee enters the restaurant and finds Carmen at a table waving to her. She squeezes through the walkway until reaching her destination. She takes a seat across from Carmen. “Could you have picked a smaller spot? I’m kind of huge here.” 

Carmen laughs. “Sorry.” 

Dee’s slowly growing to like being with Carmen. She and Charlie are the only two that Dee can talk about her pregnancy to. 

Carmen picks up a menu, “Let’s eat. I’m starving.” 

Dee’s definitely ready to eat. They browse options in silence, then place their orders. 

“What’s up?” Dee asks suspiciously. “What’s your game here?” 

“Nothing,” Carmen says. “You’re giving me your baby. I thought we could get to know each other a little. For real. Without the boys.” 

They chat until the food arrives and until after they’ve both eaten and the plates are cleared away. Dee learns that Carmen was born in Philly, then went to Syracuse for college. She returned to Philly and now works as a substance abuse counselor. It’s weird, Dee realizes, in some other reality Carmen could’ve been her counselor, helping her through this pregnancy. 

“Hey,” Carmen says as a thought occurs to her, “We just finished the baby’s room. Do you want to come see it?” 

She had never really thought of that. When they pass the baby over, it doesn’t cease to exist. It’s going to have a room, and a personality and a whole life. Dee nods, “Okay.” 

::

They arrive at Carmen and Nick’s place. They actually own a house. Carmen kicks off her shoes, hanging her purse on a hook on the wall. Dee follows suit. 

Carmen leads her through the living room and down a hallway. She stops at a wooden door, with a teddy bear decal. They enter a room with plush carpet and white walls with giant pastel circles. There’s a crib, and changing table and giant teddy bear sitting in the corner. “We really wanted it to be modern, but still look like a nursery, y’know?” Carmen sounds a little nervous, waiting for Dee’s reaction. 

“It’s nice,” Dee says, softly. Stupid baby stuff is making her want to cry. She nods towards a rocking chair, “Mind if I-?” Dee asks, “My feet are killing me.” 

“Of course,” Carmen says, motioning for Dee to sit. 

She does, looking around the room. She can almost imagine herself as a mom in here. Carmen takes a seat on the floor, facing Dee. She crosses her legs, and pulls a stuffed toy bunny into her lap, petting it as she talks. “Thank you,” Carmen tells her sincerely. “For this. I can’t tell you how much this baby means to me.” 

Dee’s never been good at handling emotions, but the baby hormones are making them crazy. “Thanks for taking this thing off my hands,” she jokes. 

“Aren’t you worried about it? Being a mom,” Dee asks, after a moment. “I had scoliosis. What if she does, too?” Her hand gently rests on her belly, as if the touch can protect her child from its shitty genetics. 

“Then we’ll go to a doctor and get her a back brace for it,” Carmen answers simply. 

“What about-?” Dee breathes out heavily. “Charlie can’t read. What if she gets that from him?” 

“Then we’ll get her a tutor,” Carmen answers. 

“I need to know it’s going to be okay. I don’t want you to give this kid back because its defective.” 

“Not gonna happen,” Carmen says. “We love this kid, no matter what.” 

Dee meets her eyes and sees this intense look of love and confidence. 

Carmen watches Dee, clearly growing uncomfortable with the seriousness of the conversation. “So, Charlie, huh?” she grins. 

“Shut up,” Dee says. It’s not with her usual fire, though, because Carmen isn’t teasing her to be mean. 

“Hey,” Carmen says, putting her hands up in mock surrender. “He’s kind of cute. He’s got nice eyes.” 

Dee laughs, playing along in the attempt at girl talk. “Yeah. Really great hair, too,” she grins. 

*** 

Dee takes a small detour from the gang during their group mall trip. She enters some random baby store and wanders from section to section, touching the tiny clothes and accessories. In awe of how someone can be that small. She picks up a pack of socks, inspecting them. Dee hold a pair up to her belly, right where the sonograms have shown the feet to be. Dee jumps when she hears a voice, “Amazing, isn’t it?” some lady about her age, and about her size, asks. “Is this your first?” 

“Yeah,” Dee says, putting the socks back down. 

“How exciting,” the woman says. “This is our third and we’re still so thri-,” she shares, but Dee walks away, in no mood to share the wonders of life. 

She heads towards the exit- this is no place for her; She’s not even keeping the thing. Dee passes something that catches her eye. It’s just a onesie- white with tiny pink dots; It comes with a matching hat and pants with bunny feet. It reminds Dee of the baby’s future room. She touches the soft fabric. Dee looks through the sizes, realizing she knows nothing about this. How do you shop for someone you’ve never met? She selects the _newborn_ size, and holds it up. It’s dumb to buy, but the baby’s gonna need something to leave the hospital in. She brings it up to the register. After paying, she stuffs the bag in her purse and returns to the mall to meet the gang. 

There’s a whistle and “Dee!” She turns to find the gang waving to get her attention. They catch up to her and she notices giant, soft pretzels in each of their hands. Goddamn, that sounds good. 

“You guys ate without me?” she whines. 

“You snooze, you lose,” Frank tells her with no empathy for the pregnant woman practically drooling over the sight of their food. 

Mac and Dennis both scoff their excuses, blaming her for missing out of course. 

She looks to Charlie, who hasn’t blown off her loss yet. He holds something out to her. A pretzel! “I got you one, too,” he tells her through a mouthful of food. 

Dee grins, accepting it and taking a bite. Delicious. “Thanks, Charlie.” He does care about her and the baby she’s growing. 

He simply shrugs, but returns a small smile. 

“Can we go now?” Mac asks, “Or are you two busy flirting?” 

The weird little spell is broken. Dee nods, then checks that the bag is concealed in her purse. The guys ruin everything, and letting them know she bought baby stuff would humiliate her. 

The five head towards the exit, but Charlie catches on. “Whatcha got there?” he asks, peering around her belly. 

“Nothing,” Dee says, defensively. She considers a second later- maybe he will care. “I’ll show you later,” Dee whispers. 

::

After settling into the bar, Dee _pssts_ at Charlie. “Come here,” she whispers and waves. 

He follows, curiously. Dee opens the bag, holding up the tiny outfit. Charlie squints at her. “Why are you buying cat clothes?” 

“Cat-?! What the fuck, Charlie? It’s for the baby.” 

“ _That’s_ for the baby?” he asks. “It could fit a cat.” 

“Why would someone dress a cat, Charlie?” Dee asks. This is turning into a very frustrating moment. 

“Lots of reasons, Dee,” he glares at her. 

“Ugh, whatever,” Dee shoves the tiny outfit back away. “I thought I’d show you, but you’re ruining it.” She’s turning to stomp away when Charlie’s voice stops her. 

“Why’d you buy that anyway?” Charlie asks. Even though he’s not criticizing her, Dee suddenly feels dumb for it. 

“I dunno,” she tells him. “I…just. I wanted to.” 

*** 

“What do you want, Charlie?” Dee sighs, opening the door. At nine months pregnant getting up from the couch is hell. So is sitting back down. So is everything, really. 

He walks in, not being invited but not having to force it either. “You’re having the baby tomorrow, so I thought I should be ready for when it happens.” 

She closes the door then turns to look at him. In this state, it’s hard to look intimidating. She can’t really cross her arms, and hands on hips just accentuates her belly. “What are you talking about? We don’t know when I’m having this thing.” 

“Tomorrow’s the 24th, yes? That’s when the doctor said it’s supposed to happen,” Charlie explains as if Dee doesn’t understand what’s going on. 

“That doesn’t mean shit,” she says, slowly lowering herself onto the tiny couch. Charlie drops his plastic grocery bag of clothes and sits next to her. “The baby will come when it wants to, they just kind of guess based on when it was conceived.” 

“Oh,” Charlie sounds a little disappointed. Maybe he still doesn’t understand. Whatever, not Dee’s problem. “Well, I told Frank that I’m coming over here, so he invited Artemis over...” 

He doesn’t have to say it for Dee to know what he wants. She could kick him out, tell him to bother Mac and Dennis or to figure something out. But he did walk all this way at night for her, and she could make him do stuff for her. If it wasn’t for pissing every 10 minutes, she could plant her ass on the couch and not get up until this thing blasts out of her. 

“If you’re staying here, you’re going to make yourself useful. You’re going to do stuff for me,” Dee sets the rules. “I pick what we watch. You bring me whatever I want. You keep whatever weird shit you brought away from me.” 

Charlie makes a face, but sighs in agreement. “Okay.” It can’t really be that bad. It’s getting late then the baby will be born tomorrow, and things will go back to normal. 

That was easy. Dee leans back against the armrest, kicking her feet across his lap with mild difficulty. “And you can rub my feet.” 

“Eww, no,” Charlie protests. “I agreed before you said that. You tricked me!” 

“And you got me pregnant,” Dee fires back. “C’mon, Charlie, my feet really hurt and I’m pretty sure you’ve touched Frank’s. That’s worse,” she pleads. 

He would argue back that it’s because Frank is old and needs the help, but Dee would just bring up the baby thing again. “Fine,” he agrees settling in. It’s not that bad, really; Dee’s feet are bigger than Frank’s, but they’re also cleaner and less fat. 

\----- 

Ow. Stupid baby needs to stop kicking. The sunlight peeking through the windows illuminating her eyelids tells Dee that it’s morning. She peeks an eye open enough to look at her clock, 7:03 A.M. Way too early, especially for a Saturday. “Not now,” Dee mumbles to the baby who apparently can hear, but can absolutely not understand her. She places a hand on her belly, pressing back where a tiny foot usually is. She tries to go back to sleep, but the pain keeps up. She sits up and Charlie makes a low, displeased sound from being woken up. 

“ _Oh, did I disturb you?_ ” Dee asks, sarcastically. “Because it’s my goddamn room.” 

“What’s wrong?” Charlie asks, approaching full consciousness. 

“My back is killing me,” Dee says. 

“Do you have to poop?” Charlie asks helpfully. 

“No, I don’t,” Dee snaps, placing a hand firmly on her back. She takes a deep breath, “I think I’m having this baby.” 

“Now?!” Charlie shrieks, jumping up. 

“Real goddamn soon,” Dee grits her teeth. 

“Shit. We gotta get to the hospital,” Charlie says zipping around the bedroom. “I _told you_ , Dee. Last night. And you said no. _No, Charlie. The baby won’t be here tomorrow,_ ” he mocks. 

Dee holds a palm up, silencing him, squeezing her eyes shut. A moment passes and she looks normal again. “It stopped,” she observes. “Looks like you were wrong,” she rubs it in. 

:: 

Dee stands behind the bar later that day, wiping glasses. She should be sitting, as it’s her due date and the baby is officially done cooking. But this is easier. Getting up and down from a seated position is too hard, and sometimes she needs to pace a little; She’s growing more and more uncomfortable, but can’t let Charlie know he was right. 

She grips the cleaning rag a little harder and acts annoyed at whatever stupid shit the guys are saying whenever a small contraction passes. She manages to keep them distracted from her pain, by getting the guys yelling at one another. 

Things get even worse when there’s a gush of liquid between her legs. Just great, Dee fumes, she’s pissed herself. Stupid baby. She glances down to inspect the damage, discovering not-pee. Honestly, she would’ve preferred that. “Uhh, guys,” Dee says looking up with round eyes. Her plan worked too well, they’re still bickering. “Guys!” she tries again, yelling this time. 

“Will you shut up? We’re busy here!” Dennis demands, giving her two seconds of attention. He turns back to his conversation. 

“My water just broke!” Dee shouts over the commotion. The four turn to look at her in shock. “I’m having a baby.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a girl!! Are you surprised? What do you think of Dee's decision?
> 
> (I stole the "smells worse over here" line from a bts thing with Kaitlin and Glenn. I loved that interaction.)


	4. The Delivery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The baby is here! A slightly different version of Dee Gives BIrth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the final chapter! Thanks for sticking with me through this and I hope you enjoy.

The five rush down the hospital hallway, led by Dee yelling for everyone to stay out of the way. An orderly arrives with a wheelchair as Dee pushes her way into the maternity area. She takes a seat, and he begins pushing her away.

The other four begin to follow. “Woah, where do you think you’re going?” she asks, turning behind her the best she can.

“We’re coming with you,” Dennis says as if it’s been planned.

“No. No, you’re not,” Dee corrects.

“What, are we supposed to just wait out here like assholes?” Frank asks.

“I don’t give a shit what you do , but you’re not coming back there with me,” Dee says. She waves a hand, “C’mon, Charlie.”

“How come he gets to go but not us?” Mac whines.

“Uh, let me see,” Dee mocks, “Because it’s his kid.”

::

“If you’re all going to be in here, make yourselves useful and turn on the TV,” Dee says , annoyed, from her hospital bed as the three men sit around the room.

“You’re just going to sit here and watch TV?” Mac judges. 

“Yes, Mac. Yes, I am,” Dee snaps. “Watching my stories is part of my birth plan.”

When none of them make a move, Dee takes it upon herself to get up. “ _ No, you sit there _ ,” she says sarcastically,  _ “The woman in labor will do it _ .”  She reaches for the TV mounted on the wall, pushing the ON button but nothing happens. “Goddammit,” Dee sighs. Nothing is going as planned. She pushes the button again, but nothing. It’s just the teensiest bit out of her reach to be comfortable. “Little help here, guys?” she asks. 

“What d’ya expect me to do?” Frank asks, indicating his small stature. Charlie shrugs, he’s had to ask Dee to reach for him.  Mac just clearly  isn’t moving. 

_ Goddammit, they’re right.  _ “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” Dee pushes the doctor’s  rolly chair over, and climbs on it. She’s barely started trying to figure out the TV when Dennis comes into the room with a cup of coffee. “Woah!” He shouts, “You’re going to go flying through that window.” He rushes over to her, tugging at her arm.  _ As if that’s not more dangerous, Dennis.  _ “Sit,” he demands, pointing at the bed. 

Dee does so, weakly pointing at the TV, “My shows...,” she whines.

“I’ll deal with it,” he heaves. 

“And you three!” Dennis rounds on Frank, Mac, and Charlie, “You’re just going to let her nearly break her neck!?” He jabs his finger at the door, “Be gone!”

Frank and Mac leave. Whatever, they were bored anyway. Charlie doesn’t move. “You too,” Dennis barks, “Out.”

“I think Dee wants me to stay,” he says. 

“Dee was just standing on a  rolly chair, and you let her,” Dennis says, “You’re both clearly idiots.”

“He stays,” Dee states, glaring at Dennis. 

“He has no regard for your safety,” Dennis tells her. “He goes.”

Dee breaks eye contact with her twin. “Charlie. Stay,” she tells him. 

Dennis turns to him, “Charlie. Go.”

The pair continue throwing the commands at him, while Charlie looks at each twin in turn. They’re the ones acting like children. 

“I’m staying,” he  finally  tells Dennis with a surprisingly intimidating authority , settling further into the metal chair. 

Dennis glares at him for a moment, then throws his hands up. “Fine. You two stay here and try not to kill yourselves.  _ I’ll  _ go get you a working TV.” He stomps out the door, pausing to turn back and give them one more look of disgust. As soon as he’s out the door, Charlie makes a face sticking his tongue out , and making Dee laugh.

::

“What can I do for you?” a nurse asks when Dennis stomps up to the nurses’ station. 

“My sister’s TV is broken. She needs a new one,” he states, bordering on demanding.

“I’ll make a note of it, but it’ll be a while before we can deliver one. Which room is she in?”

“You’ll get her one now,” Dennis tells her.

“That’s not part of my job,” she replies, losing patience. “Now, if yo-,” but she’s cut off by Dennis.

“Your job is to make my sister comfortable and those stupid shows are part of her birth plan. So, go get her a working TV right this instant,” Dennis pounds his fist on the desk.

“Oh, no no no,” the nurse says, “ You don’t speak to me like that.  Take your narrow ass back to your sister. I’m done with you.”

Dennis narrows his eyes at her, “I guess I’ll take care of this myself. Like everything else! I should be the one running this place. Me!” He storms off back to Dee’s room.

::

“Useless! Useless!,” Dennis rants as he bursts into the room. “Everyone in this place is useless,” he points to the pair, “Including you two.”

“Did you get my shows?” Dee asks.

“Ugh, I’m working on it,” Dennis shouts. “I’m working on everything. The nurse won’t do shit.”

Charlie looks intrigued. “Are we talking a scheme?”

Dennis pauses. That’s a good idea. He nods. “Yes, Charlie. Yes, we are.”

“I’m in,” Dee adds. She could really use a distraction. 

::

Dennis, Dee and Charlie hurry out of another room when the bed’s resident wakes and starts shouting. 

“I thought that would’ve worked,” Charlie comments as they lean against the wall, trying to look innocent. “He was like a hundred.”

“I thought he was dead,” Dee says. 

The three disappear around the corner as a staff member comes rushing into the room to check the commotion. 

“I don’t think we’re gonna get you a TV, Dee,” Charlie tells her, sounding a little disappointed. They’ve been in three rooms so far and have been chased out of each before they could dismount the TV from the wall.

“The problem is we’ve been trying all these old people. Which should make sense, they’re too old to hear us. But the media’s got them all paranoid of being  scammed or  raped,” Dennis explains. “We need to try younger people. Specifically, some hot woman. I flirt with her, get her all distracted at my charm, then you two steal her TV. We’ll bang a little, then when I’m finished, I’ll meet up with you two again.” 

“I don’t know, Dennis,” Dee sighs. “I’m getting tired and the baby’s getting upset. Maybe I’ll trick someone into letting me use theirs.” She rubs her belly, demonstrating her puppy dog eyes.  _ Who can say no to an expectant mother? _

Before Dennis can react, there’s the heavy sound of footsteps.  “You !,” the nurse calls, pointing to Dennis as she storms down the hallway. “You have caused enough problems today.  Harassing me. Harassing patients.  She’s going back to bed, and you two are going-,” she starts, but is interrupted by a shout from Dee. 

“ Oww ,  owww ,  oww ,” Dee whines, holding one hand on her belly. “This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks,” Dee moans, doubling over in pain. She and Dennis instinctively reach for each other; Even with her eyes squeezed shut, she manages to find her brother’s hand. 

Charlie looks around wildly, unsure of what to do and feeling like a jackass. 

“Help my sister. Help my sister,” Dennis pleads, sounding like a kid again. The nurse waves a doctor down, who carefully leads her down the hall. 

“I need you,” Dee pleads, before she disappears around the corner .

Charlie and Dennis stare at each other for a beat before Charlie sprints down the hall after them as Dennis looks on helplessly. “Wow,” he tells the nurse, “This is really hitting me. I’m gonna be an uncle.”

“Mmhmm,” the nurse  says, unimpressed. 

::

“Did you want an epidural?” a nurse asks, looking up at Dee. “It’s almost time to push.”

“Yes. Fuck yes,” Dee groans.

“Oh,” Charlie says, drawing Dee’s attention. “I heard it’s bad for the baby, Dee.”

“Oh, you heard that, Charlie? Is that what you goddamn heard!?” She asks, voice raising in pitch. “I heard judging my birth plan is fucking bad for  _ you _ .” 

“Your baby will be fine,” the nurse reassures him as she preps a needle. “Now, the numbing shot is going to hurt a little, but it won’t last long. It may help to have a hand to squeeze.”

Dee turns to her side, and the fear in her eyes prompts Charlie to reach out before she can even ask. 

::

“I can see the head. Do you want to see your baby being born?” the nurse asks Charlie, from behind Dr. Walker.

“No!” Charlie practically shouts. “I mean, it’s, uh, it’s kind of weird to be looking down there,” he explains more evenly, though is voice is a touch higher than normal. 

Dee shakes her head  _ no _ , squeezing his hand harder and tensing. It’s unclear if she doesn’t want him to let go or doesn’t want him looking “down there” either, but she seems to agree no matter the reason. 

Dee bares down harder as a new wave of pain surges through her, focused on breathing and not creating a new combination of expletives. 

There’s a weird slippery feeling and the pain in her abdomen and downstairs area lessen, followed closely by a crying sound. Dee drops back against the pillows wincing , loosening her grip on Charlie’s hand. 

“She’s here,” someone says and Dee stretches her neck to see her baby being deposited on her lower half, covered in stuff she doesn’t want to think about and wiggling around. It should be gross and creepy, but it’s not. It’s incredible. This little person was growing inside her. She doesn’t have time to  be amazed for long  when someone in scrubs scoops her baby up and takes her away. 

“What?! No!” Dee shouts. “You can’t take her. I get time first. We have a deal,” she starts to panic, some instinct taking over making her want to fight her way over to her baby. 

Charlie looks panicky, too, following Dee’s lead.  He doesn’t know what’s going on, but apparently it’s bad. 

“It’s okay,” the nurse says , calmingly . “We’re cleaning her up and getting some stats, then you can have her back.”

“Okay,” Dee says, relaxing a little, but still carefully observing them. 

The staff bustles about, then returns with the baby wrapped in a blanket and topped with a pink hat, gently lowering her into Dee’s arms. “6 pounds, 14 ounces. 17 and a half inches. She’s perfect.”

Dee smiles down at this tiny person in her arms. “Hi, there,” she coos and would be embarrassed over the sound in any other circumstance. The baby stares up at her, recognizing the voice that carried her for nine months. Dee looks to Charlie leaning over her shoulder, watching. She smiles at him,  _ Can you believe this?  _ There’s a look of awe in his eyes that she’s never seen before; The way he looks at the waitress, and cheese, and glue is nothing compared to the admiration he shows over this baby. 

Dee stares at her baby in her arms, memorizing every little detail of her face and tiny limbs, how she feels in her arms. She might  actually  cry over this person . The baby stretches slightly, then opens her mouth as wide as it’ll go. “Oh, big yawn,” Dee tells the baby, grinning. 

They sit contently in mostly silence,  admiring the brand-new person.

“Do you want to hold her?” Dee asks, realizing their time is almost up.

Charlie’s eyes grow wide and there’s a sudden look of fear, “She’s so small. Is it safe?”

Dee rolls her eyes, but isn’t  _ that  _ mad. “Of course it is. People hold babies. You just gotta do it right.”

Dee passes her over to Charlie, slowly and cautiously, like she learned in those stupid prenatal classes. He sits in the bedside chair, observing the tiny person in his arms. “Let’s keep her,” Charlie suggests after a moment. 

“We can’t,” Dee says. “We already promised Carmen. ”

“So,  we’ve stole stuff before,” Charlie argues gently. 

_ He’s got a point _ . “We signed a contract .  And I don’t want another lawsuit. ”

“ Yeah,” Charlie agrees ;  Judges seem to dislike them .  “I guess you ’re right.”

Soon, there’s a gentle knock on the door and the nurse enters. “Are we ready?” 

_ No.  _ “Yes,” Dee says, as the nurse helps her into a wheelchair. Once she’s settled, Dee holds her arms out, and Charlie carefully places the baby in them. 

“This is it for us, kid. I hope I gave you a good start. It’s probably not great, but I really did try . I didn’t have anyone good to learn from, ” Dee tells the baby. Charlie takes his place behind her and they start moving, “Let’s go meet your mom and dad.”

—

“Why are we still here?” Mac whines, “It’s been hours.”

“Those two idiots have no way home,” Dennis states, flipping a page in the magazine he’s browsing. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right . They’ll screw up getting home . And Charlie  rawdogged Dee, he really has bad judgement.  Who knows what kind of diseases she has. I’m surprised his dick didn’t fall off ,” Mac agrees 

“Nah, it’s fine,” Frank brushes off, “I just saw it the other day.”

“ Whyyyy ?”

“It’s a small apartment,” Frank shrugs, and tosses some chips into his mouth. 

“So you look at hi-,” Dennis starts, but is cut off by Mac jumping up. “Here they come,” he shouts in excitement. 

Dennis and Frank pivot in their chairs to look through the glass double doors. Coming down the hallway is Dee in a wheelchair, being pushed by Charlie, an orderly following next to them. They’re both smiling like idiots, and when the guys follow Dee’s  eyeline , they can see why. In her arms is the baby, all tiny and wrapped up in blankets, her pink little face out. The guys all rush to the doors, fighting to be the first to meet them.  Dennis watches in awe as  they move down the hallway; His sister is holding her baby. His sister is a mother now.  Charlie, Dee and baby push through the doors to meet the guys.

They all crowd around the three, dopey grins on their faces as they soften to the newborn who’s thrown off their whole day. Dee looks from the baby to them, smiling proudly. 

Th e moment is  interrupted when Carmen and Nick appear with the group. The look on Carmen’s face shows what Dee felt seeing the baby for the first time; She’s looking at this kid like she’s the greatest thing on the planet. Dee knows that she could never feel that way about a kid she didn’t birth, but Carmen  does .  Deep down,  Dee’s known this adoption is the right decision, but this moment settles something in her, wiping away the last wisps of doubt.

Mac, Frank and Dennis turn to Carmen in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

She looks a t them just long enough to answer, “I’m here to get my baby.”

Dee gives her baby one last look, taking in her tiny features and her warmth and newborn smell, memorizing this moment to keep forever. She takes a deep breath, and lifts the bundle to Carmen’s arms. The baby fusses slightly at the  movement , but settles into the new set of arms immediately. “Hi,” she whispers, gently stroking the baby’s head. She looks up, meeting Dee’s eyes and mouthing “thank you,” before walking out of their lives 

“You’re just giving your baby away?”  Mac asks. 

“I’m not  _ giving her  _ away. Carmen’s adopting her.”

“You couldn’t have told us?” Dennis asks impatiently. 

“I did tell  you. You ignored me,”  Dee tells them , voice rising . 

“We never listen to  you, Dee,” Mac  informs her. 

“Then ho w is it my fault?!” she shrieks. 

The guys shrug, already moving past it.  The five stand, and sit, in silence for a moment. The departure of the tiny person they’ve only known for minutes, leaving an empty feeling in the group.  “I guess it’s for the best. A baby would’ve screwed up our chemistry,” Dennis says. 

“And you gotta change and shit,” Frank adds. 

“I’m too set in my ways,” Mac acknowledges. “And I’m not  going to stop yelling at Dee.”

“Now what?” Dennis asks. 

“I guess we go back to the bar,” Dee suggests looking between the four men in her life. 

“Yeah, I could use a drink after this,” Mac says. 

“Oh  _ you _ could use a drink?” Dee nearly screeches, “What about me?? I’ve literally just given birth and haven’t had a drink in eight months.” And things are already starting to feel normal again. 

“Oh my god, Dee,” Mac groans. “Do you have to make everything about you?”

“Yeah, the bar’s a good idea anyway,” Dennis  interrupts , “Someone’s gotta clean up Dee’s mess.”

The three turn to Charlie, and there’s commotion again as they all overlap. “Sounds like Charlie Work.” “You clean up messes.” “You’re the one who knocked her up.” 

Dennis grabs the handles of her chair, wheeling his sister out to the parking lot as he chats with Mac and Frank. Dee’s eyes briefly meet Charlie’s and there’s this unspoken agreement. They can do this. They can go back to normal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it. If anyone was hoping for a shippy ending where they keep the baby, I'm sorry. It'd be fun to do, but I really like the idea of these two just having a kid out there somewhere, especially watching post-s6 team ups. And the concept of their shitty upbringing and problems now affecting something big. 
> 
> Little things of them being at the park in Timeshare and having this little thought of "could she be here?" is so interesting to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. If you liked it, there's a wonderful Kudos button. Or leave a comment.


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